Saturday, July 20, 2019

Issues

Issues, we all have something we haven't dealt with. We stay occupied and try to pretend it never happened. it's not there or hope that it goes away. But it keeps popping up and sometimes, just when you thought you were free of it, there it goes again. A few days ago I was on vacation sitting poolside, sunbathing with my Aunt.  I noticed a young dark, thin girl in the pool. She must of been about 10 or 11. She was with a gentleman who looked to be about 55 or 60. They were frolicking, he would toss her, she would come back clinging on tightly, they were very close, almost intimate. I could not focus on anything else. I think my aunt was going on about something but I couldn't say because I was zoomed in on the little girl and that man. As i continued to focus in on them, I began to feel angry and that anger started growing. The anger turned to rage and rage turned to hate. I had my sunglasses on so my aunt didn't noticed the tears. When I was around that girls age, I lived across from a pool and of coarse I frequented the pool often with cousins and siblings. On one particular day, I was playing with the usual person, he would chase me and hold me with my back towards his front and hop me to the deeper end then throw me. We did this repeatedly, it was fun. But on this day he wouldn't let me go, he started breathing heavily, tightening his hold round my waist, hopping around the pool at a steady pace I tried to remove his arm but he kept saying hang on. I tried harder to remove his hand but couldn't. I didn't understand exactly what was happening but it didn't feel okay at all. He finally released me. It was then that I felt used then discarded for the first but not the last time. I was too young to realize that I should be angry, I wasn't even sure if what happened was wrong or just something boys do. I loved and trusted this person. It never came to mind that I had rights and they could be violated. I kept it to myself and put it somewhere way back in my head. I don't remember anymore summer fun days at the pool after that. The man in the pool could have had pure intentions, I doubt it but it doesn't matter. What matters is my peace, my healing process and not letting my past prevent me from living fully in the present. As I was aware of my thoughts, I stopped myself from continuing to hate that man. I forced myself to let those emotions go and allow myself to enjoy the moment and focus on as as many positive things I could, and there were many options to choose from. I thought I forgave that person who wronged me, I thought I was healed.I guess it is a process. Please, tell your daughters, nieces or whoever, please explain to them their rights and what to do if anyone attempts to violate them. This blog is part of my healing process. I'm a messy person, my issues are many, I will conquer them one by one.

thank you for reading.

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