Monday, June 3, 2019

Guilt

Today I overheard a girl refer to a meme about women's indecisiveness when choosing a place to eat. Apparently we are apprehensive to choose because we made such a horrible first choice at the beginning of creation by picking the apple to give our man. It dawned on me. I have been carrying around this underlying sense of responsibility, some need to make up for a supposed sin of my very late ancestor. After all, how can we be trusted to make concrete decisions after that first mess? We must be unreliable. Not all women were raised to think that we are the bad seed. If you were raised in a Christian home, as I was, maybe you can relate. I no longer identify with those types of ideas, however they definitely still have an impact. I never allowed myself to feel or believe I was good enough. If I have an absentee parent, I question what am I doing wrong that they don't make any effort to have a relationship with me. If my boss is upset I question my actions or behaviors first. If my loved ones are unhappy I question what I did or could do differently to make them happy. The truth is, I am not responsible for anyone's happiness but mine. I have been working on being more aware of my thought patterns. This way I can stop a self-defeating idea using reason and logic. I imagine a guilt free mind. I want to know what that feels like. I can safely say that my intention is to work towards pleasing my Creator. If I continue on this path, I can trust that if I make a mistake, I can forgive myself and ask for forgiveness and after that have a clear conscious.  I wish for anyone reading this to make a conscious decision every day to trust your abilities, intuition and intentions. If you are striving to please your Creator, love will flow forward.

Wednesday, March 27, 2019

Goals

I'll get to where I've been, but first please allow me to share with you where I want to be.

As a Mescalero Apache, I want to learn all I can about the history, art, literature, culture, food and faith of my ancestors. I would love to learn the cooking techniques and incorporate more indigenous ingredients into my diet.

As an American, my hope is to build a stronger community through communication and continue to break down barriers of misinformation. I'd like to see less government involvement, less war for profit, and more unity among races, religions and classes.

As a Muslim convert, given the current dynamics surrounding equality vs. superiority, i would like to lessen the gap of misunderstanding between the 3 major religions of the world. I want to highlight our similarities while simultaneously debunking common myths and misconceptions concerning our faiths. 

As a professional, my goal is become Chef/Owner of a small business.


Monday, March 25, 2019

Labels

Who is Malina? I hate labels. I do my best to stay away from them, but then how would I describe myself? As I write this list, it does not go in order of importance. This is who I am today, not who I was or who I may become. I'm in my early 40's. I am the oldest of my fathers 6 children, otherwise from my mother, I was the middle child of 5 for a while until my mom married again and had her last two kids. Of my mothers biological children, I am the 3rd born. I am a wife and mother of 2 son's ages 16 and 17. To make things easier, I'm going to start a list of  "I am's"

  • Mescalero Apache, French (i will add to this after I do the DNA test)
  • American
  • Muslim
  • College Graduate
  • Culinary Instructor
I'm on a journey to learn how to be a more compassionate person. I've been hurt and have been the cause of pain, both the cure and the poison, depending on who you are and at what point in my life you interacted with me. There are some things I'm super proud of and some that I'm super ashamed of. I don't profess to be a good person, just human and far from perfect. Thankfully I am on a healing path and am enjoying the benefits of the healing process, in turn I hope to be a source of healing for some and better yet, for many. 

Throughout this blog I will share stories of my past or present experiences, post videos and sometimes just post about current events. 

Thank you to whoever cared enough and took the time to really get to know who I am.